Woodchuck Day
by RegenesisX
Summary: In which Sephiroth is introduced to psychotic computers and pointless holidays. EDITED 5/23/2014


**Author's Note:** I finally got up enough nerve to post a story! *cheers* Hope you enjoy it! Most of the things that happened to Sephiroth have happened to me, by the way. This story was inspired by a conversation I had about Groundhog Day.

_Edited 5/23/14_

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Final Fantasy VII (Darn...), Microsoft Word or Punxsutawney Phil.

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**Woodchuck Day**

Sephiroth gave the ancient laptop a glare as he watched the little flashlight wave back and forth, searching for the file. It had been doing that for the past two minutes. Was it really so hard to find "My Documents?" Finally, the contents of the folder appeared. He watched the scrollbar shrink until it was only a few millimeters thick. Did Second's _really _need that many documents? With a slightly more dramatic sigh than was necessary, Sephiroth glanced wistfully at his electric mouse lying on the table. Even top-of-the-line ShinRa technology was rendered useless by Zack's laptop. He finally found the document he was looking for, all the way down with the R's, and began the adventure of trying to move the mouse over to it.

Not understanding the mechanics of touch-pads made life difficult for Sephiroth. Of course, it wasn't his fault he didn't know one could click simply by tapping on the touch-pad. He did, however, find this out when one of the documents mysteriously began to follow his mouse.

_What? _The general narrowed his eyes, moving the mouse up and down a bit. "Sector Seven Mission Report" continued to trail along behind it.

In a fit of rage, Sephiroth scribbled his finger furiously over the touch-pad. The cursor flew wildly across the screen, but he eventually managed to dislodge the document. He then went to the one he wanted and clicked.

He waited.

Nothing happened.

He clicked again.

Nothing.

Not about to be defeated, he began an onslaught of clicks on the document. There was a rather pregnant silence, and then one, two, three four, seven, nine, thirteen Microsoft Word's popped up, along with a slew of "File may be in use" notices accompanied by a rather irritating _ding!_

Shutting his eyes for a moment, Sephiroth massaged his temples and tried to center himself. He sucked in a deep breath, imagining a peaceful field of chocobos. Mentally watching a baby chocobo pluck a flower from the ground in its dainty beak, he went through and closed each 'error' and empty Word window before returning to the document's icon. Back to square one.

Perhaps one double-clicked?

He vaguely remembered Hojo saying something about double-clicking, but the man's word wasn't _nearly _good enough for Sephiroth. Bracing himself, Sephiroth bit the edge of his tongue in anticipation as he double-clicked on "Reinforcements in Modeoheim."

A slight smile drifted across his face as a single Microsoft Word window appeared without issue. So Hojo was right.

Just this once.

The next fifteen minutes saw the general typing away at a rather dull mission's report that he had to get in to Director Lazard before noon. Minute sixteen saw him realize that he couldn't remember how far away Modeoheim was from Nibelheim. Getting up from his chair, Sephiroth went over to the wall where he kept his map and consulted it for the distance. Not being able to connect to the internet was a pain, he noted as he used his fingers to measure an approximate distance with the help of the legend in the corner of the map. Zack had said the internet would only work in a certain place in his room. He supposed he should be thankful that the Second had at _least _retrieved the document off of the email Sephiroth sent him, but he wasn't in a particularly grateful mood. Returning to the computer, Sephiroth placed one finger on the mouse. He jerked his hand back when he felt a jolt of static electricity.

The screen suddenly went black.

Sephiroth didn't even have to wonder what had just happened because it was very painfully clear that the insolent little machine had just _turned off on him._

Frustration finally got the better of him and he buried his face in his hands, torn between wanting to laugh and breaking down into tears. He was going to destroy the thing. He was going to take it and throw it out his window and watch it plummet forty-nine stories until it smashed into teeny-tiny pieces on the concrete. Then he was going to go find Zack and do the same thing to him. And he would cackle evilly while doing so.

He was fairly certain there was a sadistic grin plastered all over his face when his office door slid open.

In the doorway stood Genesis Rhapsodos, unamused and soaking wet. Unable to help it, Sephiroth sputtered in laughter—heavy on the sputter.

So, he was having an off day.

From the look on his face, so was Genesis. "It… is snowing," he announced, voice void of emotion.

Turning and glancing out the window, Sephiroth saw it was indeed snowing. As a rule, he didn't mind winter, but was coming to hate the static electricity that came along with it. He shot Zack's laptop a dirty look.

"And I can assume that it is this snow's fault that you're standing here, dripping all over my floor?" he asked as nonchalantly as he could, looking back up at his friend.

Genesis' response was to glare as he shrugged off his slick leather jacket. Sephiroth winced as it landed in a heap on his nice, clean carpet.

"I trust you've had an eventful morning?"

"_Eventful,_" Genesis seethed, bending over to work on his boots. "As far as I know, Zack is still hiding in the supply closet."

Satisfaction coiled in Sephiroth's stomach at the prospect of Zack suffering. "That bad, eh?"

"Worse. First he steals my copy of _LOVELESS_the moment he sees me, then he has me chasing him all over Sector Eight just to get it back. And when I finally _do _catch him, I'm ambushed by a group of infantrymen armed with snowballs!" Sighing theatrically, Genesis deposited himself onto the couch. "So, how's _your _morning going?"

Sephiroth tentatively pushed the power button on the computer for the second time that day. "Hmph."

"I'm listening."

"My computer had to go in for repairs, but I needed to finish a mission report. So Zack is lending me his."

"I see. And you two aren't getting along very well?"

"I fear this one may end up needing to be sent for repairs as well." He couldn't help twitching at the sight of the "Welcome" screen. How dare the thing unceremoniously pass out on him and still have the audacity to bid him welcome.

"What kind of computer is it?"

"I don't know. It's like something from the Dark Ages, though."

Genesis laughed. "You're just spoiled because you get all of ShinRa's newest models. Look at it this way, Seph. If_you're _having trouble with it, imagine how much Zack goes through using that computer every day."

"If he is aware of his machine's incompetency, then he shouldn't have lent it to me."

Just as Sephiroth had suspected, the computer had decided not to recover his work after its unfortunate seizure. With a heavy sigh, he set about relocating and opening the document, wracking his brain for what he'd written on the report the first time. Genesis remained on the couch, humming.

"Hey… did you know today is Groundhog Day?" he asked.

Sephiroth absently shook his head. _Where's the 'page down' button? _"No. ...It's _What-_Day?"

"You know, Groundhog Day. When Punxsutawney Phil gets dragged out of his hole and everyone watches to see if he sees his shadow."

Thoroughly confused, Sephiroth glanced up from the computer to give Genesis a suspicious glance. "Are you making that up?" It wasn't entirely impossible, either.

Genesis propped himself up on his elbows. "Nope. You can check on your calendar if you'd like. There's this old superstition that if the groundhog sees its shadow, there will be six extra weeks of winter. So, every year on February second, this groundhog in Wutai is pulled out of his hole for the occasion."

Nodding slowly, Sephiroth rested his elbows on the table.

"But, I overheard some of the Thirds this morning," Genesis continued, "that there's this woodchuck in Nibelheim that they do the same thing with, and he's been right nine out of twelve times. Apparently, the groundhog isn't _nearly _as reliable."

"And what _is_ the woodchuck's verdict?"

"Didn't see his shadow. He'd better be right," Genesis growled, glaring out at the heavy snowfall. He'd grown up in Banora, which was one of those places where the results of Groundhog Day never mattered since it was always warm.

"Well for his sake, I hope the groundhog agrees."

A small knock came from the door, interrupting their conversation.

"Come in," Sephiroth called, tensely lacing his fingers in his hair. Lazard was just going to have to wait a few more hours for that report.

The door cracked open and a head covered in spiky blond hair poked in. "General Sephiroth, sir? Director Lazard sent me…"

_Can't that man leave me alone for two seconds?_

"Come in," he repeated, this time much less enthusiastic.

The cadet inched his way inside, being very careful to give Genesis' discarded coat a rather excessive five-foot radius when he spotted the other First lounging on the couch. "He sent me to give you this."

Sephiroth was no longer paying any attention to the cadet's obvious uneasiness at being in the presence of two of the most important people in SOLDIER. His slitted pupils had zeroed in on the sleek chrome-colored laptop clutched in the boy's arms. As soon as he was close enough, Sephiroth lunged forward and tore the machine away from him, hugging it possessively to his chest. Shutting his eyes, he sighed in relief.

He had his computer back.

"Don't worry, Shiny," he murmured, addressing his baby, "I'm never, ever, _ever _going to let any nasty viruses take you away from me again." He stroked its smooth metal reverently.

"Huh. I don't see you that excited to see _me _after I've been in the infirmary," Genesis commented, not without a small trace of amusement. When Sephiroth looked up, an evil I'm-going-to-blackmail-you-with-this grin was plastered on the redhead's face.

"Unlike you, my computer can't yell back," Sephiroth retorted, holding Shiny a little closer. Genesis pouted and stuck out his tongue in a brilliant display of maturity. It was then that the general remembered the cadet standing there, shifting awkwardly. "Ah, thank you Cadet…"

"Strife."

"Thank you, Cadet Strife," he said, giving his new favorite cadet a grateful smile. "You're dismissed."

Strife started to turn away when Sephiroth was struck with the best idea he'd had all morning.

"Wait a minute…"

Strife paused.

Sephiroth gently set Shiny down, out of harm's way, and picked up the Laptop From Hell. Then he swung the it like it was Masamune and smashed it against the corner of the desk. The oh-so satisfying snap of plastic and metal was music to his ears, finally sating the destructive impulse he'd been grappling with ever since he was given the thing by a suspiciously grinning Zack Fair. He handed the two respective pieces of the computer to Strife, whose face had visibly paled. Bending down, Sephiroth swept up extra pieces that had broken off and dropped them into the blond's empty hand.

"See that SOLDIER Second Class, Zack Fair, gets that," he instructed.

Strife nodded vigorously, eyes wide as saucers. "Y-yes, sir," he squeaked. He backed away from the desk, stumbling into Genesis' coat. Apologizing profusely, the cadet untangled himself and hurrifed from the room.

"Happy Woodchuck Day," Sephiroth called after him.

Genesis promptly fell off the couch in hysterics as soon as the door closed.

Sephiroth just smiled, opening up Shiny and plugging in his electric mouse. He pressed the power button.

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**A/N: **Have you ever had issues with frustrating computers? Share it in a review!

**_RegenesisX_**


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